Not Bigomy, Nor Divorce, but Married Twice.

I am a married man!

July 24, 2010. The sun sits high in the western sky at 5pm in the cozy town of Jasper, IN. A well dressed version of me lightly moves from person to person in search of congratulations in the form of hugs and high fives ( depending on the person).

5:35 pm. Kenneth is sweating profusely and hyperventilating.

***BECAUSE***

5:30 pm. Pastor Pam, the marriage officiant, finds out that Kenneth and Madison failed to go to the courthouse prior to getting married to apply for a marriage license and, as of today, they will not be legally married. Refer back to 5:35 pm to gain a brief understanding of my reaction. 

Eventually, Pastor Pam calmed me down and ensured me that everything was going to be alright. That we would be married before our family, friends, and most importantly, the LORD. 

I am a married man!

July 26, 2010. The sun sits slightly higher in the western sky at 4pm in the industrial town of Evansville, IN. A casually dressed version of me chuckles with my bride outside of Pastor Pam's house as we joke about getting married... again. 

I thank God for laughter. I thank Him for both marriages, as the second was arguably more beautiful than the first. I thank Him for the presence of our closest friends and family members, our loving mentor, and new beginnings. I thank Him for Truth, Love, Hope, and Grace (among many other things). 

I try to thank God for trials, for I know they produce patience. I try to thank Him for hard times, for I know they produce character. I try to thank Him for discipline, for through it I know that I am His. I try to thank Him for suffering, for I know that Christ suffered in the flesh. I try to thank Him for my weaknesses, for I know that in them His strengths are made evident and He is glorified. 

Praise be to God, the Giver of life and all things good.

I'm Here Baby...

10:14 pm.

The quick vibrations and pleasant tone coming from my left front jean pocket let me know that I had just received a text message. It couldn't have been 15 seconds later. I hadn't even pulled the phone from my pocket. I knew what was coming. The chair that I was sitting in had a clear view of the hallway. I could see the nurse coming to the family lounge, which much resembled a small library. You can tell by the look on her face. Man, I would hate to do that job.

"He just died."

I'm not surprised. I'm actually a little relieved. You can only see your dad like that for so long before you start  hoping death was slightly swifter. The thing is, I know. I know God is real. I have enough sense to know that the change my father went through isn't possible through some placebo faith declaration. I know that there is a soul. One minute, I'm looking at my father. I leave the room so they can clean him up. Two minutes later the nurse tells me that he is dead. I enter the room, hug my mom, and look at the body.

I don't see my dad anymore.

There is nothing there. The feeling that you get when you look at a living person... you just know. You have a certain sense that there is something there. It isn't the same as looking at any random inanimate object. Which is what a soulless body is. Which is why I couldn't see him.

I look at the text message.

"I'm here baby..."

Madison had been on her way to the hospice center. I told her to text me when she arrived. Today marks 16 days from our wedding. I wish my dad could have been there. I wish he could have been there in all of his glory. Full mustache. Thick, silver head of hair. About one hundred more pounds than what he was yesterday. Dark, suntanned skin from working in the sun his entire life. A goofy face in every picture we take. I miss you, Dad.

I'm not very expressive. I don't "feel" a whole lot. I can tend to look like I don't care. Right now, I seem alright, but I'm not sure that I'm dealing all that well. I'm 25 and fatherless now. I've been independent for a while, but I'm not ready to be fatherless. I guess I don't have much of a choice. Time to man up, I suppose. I still have a great family. A small family, but a great one nonetheless.

My dad raised me well. I'm going to be a good husband and a good father. He may be gone, but he has left his legacy in this world. Lives are changed because of him, and more will change through the people he has touched.

Goodbye, Dad. Hello, future.

I'm here baby...


10:14 pm. 

The Medicine

If you have not heard of John Mark McMillan, I feel deep sorrow for you. Why? Because you are missing out on one of the greatest song writers of our time. Whether Christian music or not, this is going to be the best album you buy this year. For those of you who didn't know this, this version of The Medicine is a re-release on a different record label. As a long time John Mark fan, I am proud to say that I already have this album from its previous release. It is with this that I can speak with such great conviction concerning the quality of the album.

I am also proud to say...

...that the first single from this release, Carbon Ribs, has been my favorite John Mark song since my first listen of this album. This is a great album, and anyone, Christian or Atheist, would be a fool not to buy it.

Also, check out the video below. This documentary shows John Mark McMillan's heart as he explains the story behind his most famous song, How He Loves. John really has a great understanding of love, and he relates the love of God in the deep, unexplainable mystery that it is. 

Amie Street

So, I figured out how to get this in my blog! The widget below will allow you to preview and buy my personal music right here from Kenn.FM! I know, it is pretty exciting. Anyway, This stuff is almost 3 years old, I think. My style has changed a lot since then and has moved into more singer/songwriter style music. It is straight up acoustic and vocal so far, though the recording process may reveal some newly acquired banjo skills and possibly a newly acquired wife after July 24th! She is a phenomenal singer and she can beat the keys and tickle the cello. I am excited to see what comes. So, the music is here right now... and it is cheap. Buy up!

A Changed Man

I've been watching my father deteriorate before my eyes since last Fall.

Cancer.

I believe I have joined the ranks of Millions before me who have developed a hatred for the disease. We even hate the word, don't we. I distinctly remember watching one of my favorite comedy shows last Fall, How I Met Your Mother. There was a scene where Barney discovered a nude painting of his friend, Marshall. Upon his discovery, Barney, who is certainly one for suspense, declares, "If they were to cure Cancer tomorrow, this would still be the best thing to happen this week!" I remember laughing. I remember repeating the phrase myself about various things in my life.

It was humorous.

When my mom and dad called me over to their house to give me the news, my view towards Cancer certainly changed. Hatred first. Then awareness. It is probably similar for all of us who know people with Cancer.

I LiveStrong now (which means I wear a yellow bracelet). If I didn't appreciate Lance Armstrong before, I certainly do now.

My dad is going soon. I know it. We all know it. He hasn't eaten in over a week. He can barely move in his bed and he certainly can't get out of that bed. At least he can still talk to us. I mean, he hasn't lost his mind or anything.

There is an up side to this story.

I know that my dad is going to be with Jesus. I know he is going to be comforted. Accepted. All of his tears will be wiped away. He will never suffer again.

Go ahead, skeptics. Laugh. Scoff. Mock. Nothing more is expected of you.

A little more than 5 years ago, my dad was an alcoholic. He was the worst dad I could imagine. He always would fight my mom. He would always fight with me. He didn't like himself or anyone else. His life was over. So, like many others in his position, he tried to kill himself.

He popped a bunch of pills.

I came in late that night while my mom was at work. I wasn't even going to go home, but something urged me to do so. I found him on his back in an awkward position on his bed. I hurried to him and tried to wake him up. He started shaking and his eyes were rolling around. I heard him mutter out the words,

"I.... tried... t... to... kill... my.. self."

I hurried to the phone and dialed 911. The ambulance picked him up. They took him to the hospital. I was there almost all night.

He sobered up after that experience.

For another 2 years after that, my dad was unhappy. Sober. But unhappy. I remember praying for my dad to have a change of heart since I was 15 or so. God is faithful. His timing is best. This is why we trust in Him and stay strong.

After years of arguments about which faith is correct and which one is wrong and why all paths don't lead to the top of the mountain, I finally dropped a Bible on the table in front of him. I said to him, "If you really care to know what I'm about, just read it for yourself."

That was it.

Over the next three months my dad read through the entire Bible. His life changed completely. His relationship with my mother improved. His relationship with me improved. His relationship with my sister improved. He began to pay off his debts. He began giving. His life was filled with joy.

It has been 3 years since then. My dad has been active in AA meetings for 5 years. As a heavily sought after sponsor, he takes the ones who are serious under his wing and leads them to sobriety. How? He understand who the healer is, Jesus.

This is a changed man.

Now, as I type, I look over at my dad in his living room. He lays in pain in his hospital bed this Father's Day. The Cancer is there, yes. He cannot move around. He lies in pain. He cannot eat.

Yet, this is my Father at his best. A man who has taught me more in this life than anyone could ever compete for. A man of God who has taught me more in his 3 years as a Christian than I would imagine anyone could.

So why do I say this is my Father at his best? Because my Father is not Cancer. He is not even limited to this bed or this body. The man inside this failing body is my Father. This is a good man. This is a man of God. This is my Father.

I love you, Dad.

Thanks for Tuning In

It is an interesting concept, the radio. Step 1. Start your car (let's face it, no one listens to the radio anywhere else anymore). Step 2. Turn down your radio (it seems that during the drive home last night there was an unusual amount of ambient noise that caused me to gradually increase the volume until the decibel rating reached an ear piercing level that's far beyond the OSHA code for audible safety). Step 3. Scan radio stations. Step 4. Scan radio stations. Step 5. Decide to listen to whatever is on, despite the fact that you don't enjoy 75% of what you hear. All the while, your brain is filled with more advertisements and DJ opinions than you would care to hear.

This is sort of what my blog is.

WAIT! Before you scan over to some other blog, let me set a few things straight by telling you how Kenn.FM is not like a radio station. First, you don't have to waste gas to listen to me. Second, my decibel level is at a very acceptable level by OSHA standards! (Even the ! doesn't send me over...) Third, not only will you enjoy more than 75% of what you read (hopefully), but I will not fill up your brain with senseless advertisements (though I do have some opinions of my own).

Kenn.FM is a bit of a free form blog. I run some other blogs (actually, one at the time) that are more specific to other genres. I enjoy science fiction writing, so there will be a number of different blogs with those stories that you can enjoy. The first one is called Darryl. You can read that one at http://followdarryl.blogspot.com/. I will update you when more come to existence.

So...

For the time being, this will be the place to enjoy my personal blog, which will hopefully enrich you in many, many ways.

Lovin,

Kenn